A year ago, I sat on edge of my bed in the glow of a candle and prayed. Don't make it weird or over complicate it. We don't need to put a religious title on it or a God face, however, if you operate with either one of those in your belief system, I love that for you. Let's keep it simple.
A year ago I spoke to life an intentional conversation and sent it into the unknown. I spoke it past the light of the candle, through the walls of my cabin and beyond the surrounding trees. Looking back now, I think the conversation was heard by the stars.
A year ago I spoke, I shared the deep knowing within me that I was ready to Love and be Loved. I shared the strengths I had come to learn within myself over the last year that would positively contribute to a healthy relationship. I laid bare the wounds I had been hiding. I prayed.
A year ago I laid l claim to the version of Me I was ready to share in the deepest ways with the person who was meant to receive me, completely. I recognized the hurt, I acknowledged the scars and I asked for someone who would see and support me through the necessary continued healing. I was ready to show the bruises instead of hiding them and pretending they don't exist until they inevitably got poked in the dance of intimacy. A year ago I offered everything I have and surrendered to all I hoped. I was deep in the journey of learning myself and learning to love myself. As I allowed myself to feel the darkest corners of all I had been through, I continuously returned each time with a piece of my heart. As I rebuilt the puzzle of myself, I knew with the deepest fibres of my soul I was born with a love meant to give. A year ago I watched my cup continue to fill, overflowing, ready to pour it into someone else.
A year ago I was broke, broken and being propped up in every way by those closest to me. I was applying on every job that I seen across 3 provinces and the territories with no reply. I knew what I wanted but would so desperately take anything in the mean time. A year ago I was kicking on every door and none were being answered. I was prepared to take every offer I never received.
A year ago I built a medicine wheel near my cabin. I walked it, barefoot and broken. I let every tear fall that I had never allowed myself to cry in front of anyone else. I laid down the walls, barriers, defences, storylines and victim roles to find the truest most vulnerable version of myself surrounded by rocks and trees. A year ago as I walked I turned the medicine wheel to a hamster wheel as I cycled through all the what's, whys and why nots.
A year ago I wrote, recorded and began releasing music again. I felt the deep need to honour myself by speaking all I had been filtering that was holding me back from living aligned with my values. I processed. Most of what I was creating was heavily emotional, dark and hopeless. A year ago I turned back to music and asked it to please do for me what I dream I can help it do for others in those moments.
A year ago I had a vision. I had a longing to connect with people, bring together community and heal what I felt was hurting. I assumed everyone could sense it, but I could only confirm it had been missing, for myself. A year ago I acknowledged the spark within me that I was being shown but so heavily doubted my ability to fan it into a flame. I remained stationed in the "comfort zone" of creating for me, sharing to few and protecting my ego.
A year ago I had nothing. My depleted state spanned from financial to spiritual and I didn't know how to rebuild any of it.
Presently...
I pray, I meditate and I connect all through the day. I've learned I don't have to dedicate an hour to a guided meditation to be grounded. I harness the magic in creating an intentional pause whenever and wherever possible.
Presently, I am surrounded by the deepest, truest, rawest and most real loving connections imaginable. I operate from a place of my genuine self and continue to strengthen my ability to see others the same way. Presently, I am living the vision of the relationship I prayed into existence, with a level of love, strength, consistency, support and commitment I had only seen in the stars. I see now I had to become the version of myself that walked in that dream before I could recognize the foot prints of who the universe sent to walk beside me. Honestly, life has placed us on the hardest path of both of our lives in the last couple months leading us through the darkest days. We've sat across from each other in close proximity while worlds apart, sifting through the puzzle pieces of loss, grief, and uncertainty. These are the pages they miss in those fairytale endings.
Presently, my employment allows me the work/life balance necessary to maintain healthy relationships in my life. I've been able to keep and tend to the values I hold and build healthier habits around my down time. I've built connections with people through work that have allowed me to share me, be myself and not play a role. I don't often engage in those "nice weather" conversations, if we talk, let's keep it real and deep. Work, grocery store or elsewhere, I'm not here to dance on the surface. My job has allowed me to become stable in my life and give back to the ones who propped me up when I didn't have any way of doing it myself.
Presently, I get up to my cabin when I can. I still walk the medicine wheel, but now, I walk it simply saying "thank you." I don't need to know the outcome, I am grateful for the journey. I walk in deep appreciation for everything I have, all I am and all that surrounds me. I walk and witness all the colours I missed just a year ago and appreciate the deep beauty within them. I walk and recognize I'm not "healed" because healing is a life long journey but I am ok. I walk to strengthen my tools and deepen my emotional ability to handle the moments that will inevitably call them forth. Presently I walk for the sake of walking and not in search.
Presently, I am formulating roll out plans for the most music I have ever had on hand. An abundance of songs, spoken word and clothing designs that are crafted from my soul. The lines, messages and meanings woven through everything I plan to share come from the most authentic version of me. The value in which I have received in the creation process I am so deeply grateful to share, I pray those who need it like I did, find it. Presently, I harness the power of my voice, I speak my truth and I share my journey. I use what I have in hopes that others know they aren't alone.
Presently, the visions is coming alive. The dream is waking up. The HeartOfficial Movement has been born. This project has pushed me in ways I didn't know it would. It built me up, broke me down and held space for me to pick up the pieces. This was the spark of the distant dream I was walking towards when I stepped on stage New Years 2023. This is the community, the connection, the creation and the craft. The HeartOfficial Movement is the thread that has sewn together all the fabrics of my reality. The relationships, the music, the spoken word, the performances, the connections and the healing journey. The death of the ego to the steps of the steeple.
A Year from Now...
I can't even imagine where we will be. I truly don't have a clue, but I am ok with that. What I do know, is, a year from now I won't be where I am presently. A year from now, I know I will have grown in a million different ways, because, that's what this journey is about. I see it in the plants, trees, animals and humans alike, we aren't here to stay the same. We are here to reach a little deeper, push a little further, expanding the imprint we create and filling it with love. A year from now I will be doing so many of the things that I have always done but I will do them more intentionally. I will hold that hug a little longer, listen a little deeper and love a little harder.
Wherever I am a year from now, is right where I'm meant to be. I accept that the journey there is going to be filled with infinite experiences I have no control over. I've learned that as humans we measure our time here is so many different ways. Seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years, on and on while often over looking the most important unit of measurement, an instant. Who I am and what I do with each instant adds up across a lifetime and defines my existence until there is only one left.
A year from now, so much will have changed yet everything will be the exact same.
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