In a society built on over consumption pushing us well over our boundaries, we find ourselves over our heads in over stimulation and I’m over it.
The process of writing, creating, making and sharing my music has always been something I “fit in” to the schedule of life. I don’t know about the rest of you, but it feels to me like life has long been and continues to be over-scheduled. With the rising costs of food, lack of housing and diminishing family values I find myself pushing harder to fit in. I feel like I’m fighting to fit into a rapidly failing societal system that has already left so many behind. Any time I make to process this through my writing I am stealing from other valuable areas of life, like family. The writing comes easy, maybe too easy sometimes, like a high pressured geyser I have to actively open and close when the time is right.
The messages find me. My experiences unfold into rhyming patterns and allow me the peace of a quiet mind and a stable heart, if only momentarily. However, this is only a step along the journey of growth. The power of healing lives in connecting, sharing and supporting others. So it’s click, share, post, reply, re-share on and on while praying it lands on the screens in front of the eyes of those who need it most. This quickly becomes more and more time consuming with less and less connection and healing to show for it.
So I pushed harder. I brought to life the vision of a platform where I could support other artists in their growth, host their art and be a building block in their success. Spreading myself thinner with every move, I went too big, too fast with no real foundation to build on. I hit a wall. Hard. I was disheartened because I knew I had the tools to build with and the message to back it. I couldn’t put my finger on the missing piece. Until I did.
Me. I was missing. I had created and allowed the different roles in my life to become so significantly separated. I knew how to show up as Ryan, a Son, a Dad and Indite to the different areas they were needed but I never understood how to show up whole. I didn’t believe I was worthy of the vision I was building so I built it as a collective thinking all these other people deserve to be seen and heard. I struggled to pay for the business end of the music and refused to charge for shows or merch. I didn’t allow Myself the gift of being Myself, raw, real and vulnerable. I built it big, threw it far and never got to see it land.
With days worth of music across all streaming platforms and pennies of profit, I hated the process of what everyone else was doing because it didn’t feed my soul. It didn’t speak to who I am as a person. All of this for me is part of a life long healing process that I was actively building walls around. I crave connection. Real connection. I wanna hear about your hardest moments, see the scars and celebrate the wins. I finally understand now, it's impossible to connect on that level unless I show up first. As me. Vulnerable. Real. No persona or ego. So that’s what I’m going to do.
This is The Breakdown. This is where I take it all and simplify it. From the pen to the pad to the people. If I can’t build this for Me then I can’t build it for anyone else either.
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